[*OK… not-in-the-least-scientific, but stay with me…]

As regular Denizens will know, Roberts and Duffies are creatures of habit. They like everything to be in the right place, at the right time, and in the right particular way. This is how it is. This is how it should always be.

There are several possible hypotheses to explain this. It may simply be a classic example of the old adage that dogs come to resemble their owners. Were that the case in this instance, however, one would expect an objective observational study to find some manifestation of Joanna-induced behavioural patterns, which are less evident in this particular Duffy.

Alternatively, as many of you will know, it’s not in the least unusual for rescue dogs who come into a new home as adults. Whether this is the case for rescue Roberts is something on which top scientists are yet to reach any firm conclusion, but anecdotal evidence offered by a small dataset suggests that the introduction of an occasionally-spontaneous Joanna into a Robert’s established home environment may be disruptive.

Elements of the latter hypothesis are, perhaps, best left for a future study (or, indeed, therapy). Our present analytic attention is specifically on the Duffular phenomenon. Please read on for preliminary observations.

When the Sky Gods roar (aka low-flying military aircraft training, loud rain, or - as was recently discovered, the opening seconds of The Doors’ Riders on the Storm), the only sane response is to tremble, ears at full-alert position, under the safety of a blanket. And Duffies sometimes do this too.*

*[sorry-not-sorry. You’d have been surprised had I resisted that, non?]

Should the household humans not be where they should be at any given part of the day, something is clearly Seriously Amiss.

Thus, Joanna at one end of the sofa + Robert at the other end of the sofa + Duffy occupying an increasingly large proportion of the middle ground = How It Should Be for most of the day.

…Except when it isn’t, in which case, Robert perched on a fraction of the end of the sofa + Joanna being steadily squished into his fraction of the end of the sofa + Duffy at the other end of the sofa (aka, eventually, occupying two-thirds of the sofa) = Acceptable and How It Should Be for part of the day.

This is known as the Wrightington Towers Evening Position, and Duffies prefer to determine when said Evening Position should be adopted. They do this gently at first, as clearly Roberts and Joannas need gentle encouragement rather than reproach, in order to achieve optimal behaviour patterns.

Joanna working downstairs on the sofa + Robert working upstairs in the study = OK (not ideal, but OK). Vigorous molestation of chair cushions/pass-agg stomping off to bed/hiding under the bed will be deployed by a Duffy to indicate when it is Most Definitely Not OK.

As the current Medieval Monasticism cohort will confirm, it was recently observed that Joanna working upstairs in the study + Robert working upstairs in the study AT THE SAME TIME = Absolutely Not OK. Fortunately, that scenario is rare, so can, for present purposes, be considered an outlier in our dataset.

Household objects and fittings being out of their usual place tends to disturb Roberts more than Duffies, but the latter are not immune. They may, for example, express their discomfiture via an impromptu homage to Madonna, circa Like A Virgin (see esp. from 1:45), should curtains be temporarily moved for cleaning purposes.

Given that those at Wrightington Towers are currently rarely in a position to get out much (and clean curtains still more rarely), this baseline model is generally not especially difficult to maintain, and as long as all observe the fundamental protocols where possible, a dynamic equilibrium is sustained.

It is, however, possible to test the Le Chatelier-Braun principle, should a change of conditions be brought into the equation.

The change of conditions in this study was Robert being in dire need of taking a few days’ complete break. Alas, resource issues precluded relocation of all elements of the system, which would have been optimal for all elements concerned. But the suboptimal change of conditions allows us to establish the viability of the baseline model.*

*[aka: what the hell will happen if things change for more than a few hours?]

It was observed that Robert and Joanna felt the effects of the absence of a constant in the model. Each, however, eventually successfully adapted, creating a temporary equilibrium with minimal disruption to the overall status quo. This entailed, variously, a lot of pacing (Robert), imbibing Nature (Robert), faffing about with the website (Joanna) regular zoom calls, each cooking things which are not on the regular menu at Wrightington Towers due to respective tastes in energy sources (aka: dinner), and watching televisual fiction which is normally not appropriate when all are in situ (Joanna).

The principal subject alternated between four clear phases of response:

(i) excited but increasingly forlorn and desperate expectation, upon the specific stimulation of any car moving/parking within earshot, that the removed element[Robert]’s return was imminent;

(ii) stoical resignation;

(iii) denial;

(iv) seeking comfort from what are now, apparently, the only stable elements in life [Joanna + sofa], notwithstanding that this is but a pale imitation of life as it should be.

In accordance with the the Le Chatelier-Braun principle, therefore, equilibrium was re-established. But somebody was NOT HAPPY about this.

Fortunately, after four days, Robert returned, suitably refreshed. Cue much tail-wagging. And Duffy was pleased to see him too.

Unfortunately, he was out of the house again within four hours, on a pre-arranged playdate with friends. I’m sad to say, O Denizens, that at this point Monsieur le Professeur Le Chatelier and Herr Professor Braun may wish to avert their eyes, as equilibrium at Wrightington Towers was well and truly disrupted.

Fortunately, Robert was reintegrated into the dynamic within six hours this time, and thus an uneasy equilibrium was once again achieved. It remains, however, fragile - as, indeed, does Duffy.

The signs are, however, promising that this may not be a permanent state of affairs. Some hypervigilance remains, but there are more and more moments of apparent relaxation and contentment. This is also the case for Duffy.*

*[sorry-not-sorry. I still can’t resist the cheap shots, but see: right for the actual point!]…

…whose tail is again wagging more regularly.

PS I’m happy to report that Robert’s trip helped enormously - and its effects were further enhanced by his playdate.

PPS Under no circumstances should Duffy become aware that Robert was unfaithful while he was away (see: left). This must remain our secret. #ForYourEyesOnly